Editor's Edict ~

Welcome. I find myself at the doorstep of the second monthly issue of the Brown Betties Gazette which is adapted from the stories told in the Los Angeles-based "Harlem's Night Cabaret" as performed by the sizzly-sassy Brown Betties & Joe. "Harlem's Night" is about a woman looking for love in all the wrong places; it's sultry, it's sexy and it's autobiographical (unfortunately). While performing, I've found myself tapping into my Sensual Goddess (it is cabaret, after all)...and I like it! I acknowledge that I was a bit of a prude growing up; I'd often blush at the mere mention of dildos... gasp! .... or porn .... ewww!!....or spankin' that ass....ooooh! I secretly admired the girls that said and did what they wanted even if it appeared "unladylike". This issue (and possibly many more to come) pays homage to those girls. Meet Keshia Kola, this month's featured Brown Bettie, who has written The Shesaurus which is full of amazingly notorious words; Tanya Alexander, who poetically taps into her inner Solitude with Pieces of Tanya and Tina McDowelle who boldly shares a self-gratifying hot tub moment in Brown Bettie gone Beautifully Bad. Take a closer look at the Harlem's Night Brown Betties who each tells you what makes her A Woman. Eavesdrop on an email conversation between a boy and girl that didn't go so well in "Two Sides To Every Love Story" and for lighter fare, enjoy one woman's Unzipped weekend and see what my mom has to say this month in Momma Said. Have fun!

~xo

Peppur Chambers

BrownBettiesGazette@yahoo.com

Is This Brown Bettie a ‘Lucy Stoner’*?
By Peppur Chambers

Keshia Kola
Writer, “The Shesaurus”

Growing up in an undesirable neighborhood in Cincinnati, Ohio with folks who couldn’t see past their noses, Keshia (born Marquisha Gatewood) knew she wanted to get out, see the world and have a nice house and a boat. Upon declaring her goals to her younger brother, he demanded, “How you expect to get that?” and she declared, “I’m gonna write me a book!” And that she has.

“Keshia Kola has ripped out the pages of etiquette and politics to create Pop Culture's first gender-based resource book: The Shesaurus.” -www.shesaurus.com

With over 2000+ entries, Keshia began compiling this compelling reference guide when she was writing a screenplay. While flipping through several books looking for words to describe her character, she thought, “Why can’t this all be in one book?!” She started collecting words as a hobby; one of her first words was “GRITS” which is a Girl Raised In The South. Her notebook kept filling up. Before she knew it, she had 700 words and the book took on a life of its own.

What has been your biggest challenge?
Learning to not discriminate against words. I’ve gotten comments like, “This is nothing but a book of insults” but I’ve also gotten, “This is exactly what I needed." "Hilarious!" "Clever concept!" I’ve done so much research. This book is a great history lesson every woman should have. It’s basically an Encyclopedia, Dictionary and Thesaurus rolled into one. It’s going to help people broaden their vocabularies. You can use “Fleet Street Dove” now instead of “Ho” or “Vagitarian” instead of “Lesbian”!

*A “Lucy Stoner” is a woman who fights to keep her maiden name. Think you might know the meaning of “Testatrix?” go to http://www.shesaurus.blogspot.com/ for the answer!

You describe yourself as a rebellious rule breaker, why?
I was born with the spirit of a man and lady-balls the size of a Ferris Wheel. My mom had me at a young age, 19, and was spoiled. She raised me to be the opposite, more independent. I feel some rules are made to be broken. If it ain't broke...break it! Who says I have to get married and have kids? I feel like God made me this way to break the cycle.

You have a small tattoo in the center of your forehead:
I got it when my grandmother passed away. It’s a seed representing the circle of life. Reminds me to keep growing and branching out. I look at what [the women in my family before me] accomplished or didn’t. That trickles down. I’m doing everything I want to do. I owe it to them to do this. I have to live this life and BE everything I can possibly be for them. I want their spirits to live on.

(Keshia wrote this poem to that effect. It's posted on the sidebar.)

Dating... How’s that going for you?
I’ve been engaged twice. Both times [I’d see the ring] and feel like “Get this shit outta my face. I can’t look at you for the rest of my life.” I’m a serial shacker. I like to play house…I like having in-house dick where I can just jump on it and go to sleep. I’m dating someone now. It has been a year. He’s from New York. He’s funny, driven…has the same sensibilities as I do. No nonsense. But he’s broke! I still love him and that pisses me off! And I’ve told him fuck-off at least four times. He won’t! He has literally grabbed on to me and would not let go…even when I’m yelling, “I hate you!” He has me sprung and there is nothing I can do about it.

You seem fearless. What are you afraid of these days?
Being checkmated…having a boss who has control over me…being married with children. Kids are beautiful, don’t get me wrong. I worry I’d drop them, say things I shouldn’t; tell them things they shouldn’t know…My grandma said I shouldn’t have kids because I’d probably leave them somewhere. Also, I’m trying to be Oprah-like. I want to be able to give and I don’t know if I could do that while being responsible to a family.

Why independent publishing with Penmar Press?
Well, I was unhappy with the way things were going and I asked my agent, “Do I have to kill someone like OJ? Or screw folks like Superhead?!” That was in October; I was dropped in January. I wasn’t surprised. I think it was my best move because they weren’t giving me the attention that I deserved or at least that I needed. I actually had one agent tell me, “We don’t know what to do with it.” People don’t get The Shesaurus because there’s nothing else like it. People are going to love it or hate it, but they can’t ignore it!

Keshia is currently working on the follow-up Men's "dick"tionary: The Hesaurus.
Contact Keshia Kola at keshiakola@yahoo.com, www.myspace.com/keshiakola or visit www.shesaurus.com

In My Solitude
By Tanya Alexander

In my solitude I write. The fantasies we all go through when there seems to be no outlet or promise of sexual release brings about some intriguing inspiration.

Here’s a poem from my upcoming book and CD, Pieces of Tanya…A Spoken Word Project. A little piece of my solitude called…

“Celibacy”

KISS ME FROM MY HEAD TO MY SILVER-TONED TOES,
THE HIGH-ARCHED INSTEPS OF MY FEET,
TO THE CURVE OF MY HEEL, AROUND THE BONE OF MY ANKLE TO THE BROWN-SKINNED VELVET TOPS OF MY FEET.

TURN ME OVER.

RUN A WARM HAND AND SMOOTH TONGUE UP THE CURVE OF MY CALVE BRUSHING YOUR LIPS IN THE PIT OF MY KNEES.
I NEED YOUR MOISTURE FOR MY BEGGING THIGHS,
INSIDE, OUTSIDE, UP AND AROUND TO THE FOLD UNDER MY BUTTOCKS,
A SMOOTH, CHOCOLATE, TICKLISH PLAYGROUND.

MY SPINE IS WRITHING.
KISS ME THERE.
LICK THE CREVICE OF MY SHOULDER BLADES AND LINGER FOREVER,
RIGHT THERE.
UNTIL MY LONG OUTSTRETCHED NECK CAN NO LONGER BE NEGLECTED.
DEVOUR ME THERE WITH LIPS, TEETH, AND TONGUE TIPPING TO MY CHIN.
A SENSUAL PECK ON THE BOTTOM OF MY LIPS ‘TIL MY FINGERTIPS FEEL YOUR SKIN.

KISSES, MOIST AND WARM ON THE PALMS, BACK OF MY HANDS,
KNUCKLES AND ARMS.
MAKE MY WRISTS FEEL SPECIAL, BOUND IN YOUR CARE,
AND THE TOP OF MY SHOULDERS ARE YOURS, MY DEAR.

MY COLLARBONE, OOOO, MY COLLARBONE IS REVELLING IN YOUR TONGUE, AND MY HEART MUST BE TEASED AS YOU MAKE THAT TRAIL WARM,
DOWN MY BELLY TO MY POINT OF LIFE AND BEYOND.

YOU NOW KNOW ME IN WAYS I DIDN’T KNOW MYSELF.
YOU HAVE TASTED ME WHOLE AND MADE ME FULL WITH YOUR SKILL
AND I HAVE BATHED IN YOUR WEALTH.
TO GIVE UNBRIDLED PASSION TO THIS DARK FEMALE FORM,
IS A LEVEL OF ENJOYMENT THAT HAS LONG BEEN WAITED ON.

A DESIRE FULFILLED IN THIS MOMENT OF PHYSICAL CLARITY TO BE FOLLOWED INEVITABLY BY MONTHS OF SCARCITY.
BUT SUCH IS LIFE.
NO COMPLAINTS.
FOR I HAVE ENJOYED YOUR GENEROSITY AND WILL ALL BUT CALL UPON THEE IN MY SOLITUDE AND MOMENTS OF
SEXUAL VIRTUOSITY.

Unzipped

A recruiter gives an account of how her life has been momentarily Unzipped:

i am working on an avg. of two hours sleep per night (this whole week)...i have a million applications to read over the weekend....i almost missed my flight this week...voluntarily separated myself from my bag...could not pick up the bag because baggage claim was closed when i got off work.....went to walgreens and spent $60 on supplies including a pair of pants that were so big they did not stay up even when i rolled them over three times...went to jetblue the next morning only to be told that my bag arrived WITH ME the day before...interviewed 10 candidates for our program.... right after i extended my reservation to reduce travel time (would have arrived home at midnight tonight and returned on sunday morning)..... my colleague told me there was a mouse in his room at our hotel! great! should be a restful weekend.

Have you been Unzipped? Tell us at BrownBettiesGazette@yahoo.com. Put UNZIPPED in the subject line.

Two Sides

There are two sides to every love story. Hers and His. Here is one gritty story told through the immediacy and simplicity of emotional email. If you have a story you'd like to share, email brownbettiesgazette@yahoo.com and put TWO SIDES in the subject line.

Hers (June 16, 2006) )

I called him yesterday and we had a very trepidatious (word?) conversation and then I called him at the end of the day because I wanted to hear his voice. We were supposed to get together on Sunday to talk and stuff but when I called him he asked if I wanted to come over last night and I did. I was preparing myself for this to be the last time I was at his house but when he came downstairs and I saw him I just started grinning like a fool. I was so happy to see him. I did ask him if he had any more secrets and he said no. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said that he was going to. Me "When?" Him "I was going to tell you." Repeat. Me "I thought you loved me?" Him "I do love you. I don't see what that has to do with it. I was going to tell you." I said some other stuff and I made a big deal of having him look me in the eye when he was talking to me. Me "The baby would be so pretty if it looked like my side of the family." Him "As long as it's good looking."

I told him that I want a partner and that is important to me and that I want a baby. He said he wants a partner but he doesn't want anymore kids because he'll be 67 when it's 20. Me "What about all the years in between?" I asked him if he had $10 million would he want a baby then and he said it isn't about the money.

I'm still all icky gooey in love with him. He showed me his movie that he's working on. He wants me to help him make it better. I want him to help me publish my book. Me "Did you miss me?" Him "Of course I did." He said that he thought I wasn't going to call him anymore and that this was going to be the end since we want different things. He also said that he figured that I'd call him from Brazil or something. I asked him if he thinks I'm going to just run off and he said yes. Ok, so there are some issues there and I can't be mad at him for that because as you are aware running away is my fantasy. I told him that I don't want to run away that I want to be with him. Me "I know you're done getting married and I don't need that." Him "That's not true I want to get married again and buy a house with someone." Well, it appears that we differ on one very important issue...so what to do? I think I'm going to stick with it and see where it goes.

This morning.....Him "Do you really want a baby?" Me "Yes." Him "No you don't." What? Anyway, I adore him and he makes me smile and I love him and being close to him. However, on the other hand I still feel kind of free and I don't know if that's about me feeling like he doesn't have anymore secrets from me or if I feel free to go out with other people and do whatever I want.

I guess time will tell. I feel more at ease than I have in a long time when it comes to our relationship. The break helped me out that's for sure. Do you think he'll budget on the baby thing? I don't want to lose him but I don't know what's it's like to be so absolute about something. I'm always willing to compromise.

His (September 26, 2006)

In your late and desperate quest to have a kid you
should run off to Atlanta or Braizl where it could
happen in less than six months or go back to dating
white boys.

I was all most there given my past this was the
best way for me I just need a little reasurance and
living together would have given me that. I read you
like a book if it's not your way then its all or
noting. Yeah it's better this way you are head for
singel parent hood because you are so desperate you
can't think about any thing else.

What about your book your movie looking for another
job they don't matter its just about a kid I hope you
don't end up a babies momma because you can barely can
take care of yourself. What do you do with your life
other than feel sorry for self and envey us of your
friends with families. YOU DO NOTHING but work out and
to to work which you hate and you only been on two job
intervies in the last year, and run behind your
firiends...the only one who has no one so lets all
feel sorry for her. You live vivariouly throuth your
fiends. LIVE YOUR LIFE TODAY My life is far from
perfect but I have always live it

Since I have known you thats all you talked about A
KID in sted of just letting it happen....We had
something good if you would have just stepped back
alittle you might have gotten what you wanted. Head
strong with get you nothing but along your fear of
becoming a an old maid is that much closer...looking
in the mirror what do you see? Do yo really
think at this age you have a shot...I mean really.
There is nothing funny about ending up along.

You need to start dating today remember you don't have
time you are 38 and time is running out...I heard
dating on line is good for women who want kids and
church is good.


We could have been happy with or with out a kid...

I'm the lucky one here...I was really starting to see
us as family and looking forward to living together me
and you 1st thats love and from comes a kid....I
wanted to move in with you get closer.

What you need is sprem donner...no man who gets wind
of 38 year women looking to get married and kid they
might fuck you. Marriage it could have but not in two
years, only if you put lid on desparate bit for kid.

Good Luck to you I just had to say this and get off of
my chest...you never hear from me again.

I'm A Woman

In 1963, Peggy Lee let the world know why she was a woman with her song, "I'm A Woman". The Brown Betties of Harlem's Night Cabaret offer a little somethin' somethin' on what she feels makes her a woman today.


Danielle Lewis (plays "WANT"):

I know who I am. I know what I want and I know how to get it. I have a mind of my own- ask me what's on it and I'll tell you. I know the power of a woman and I know how to use it in all its glory. I know when to give and how to recieve. I live by the saying "It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission". Life waits on no one, and neither do I.

Christy Gamble (plays "LOVE")

I’m thorough;

I can get everything well done in one day’s time and still come home and just listen...

Keena Ferguson (plays "HATE")

...It's a matter of taking that moment where you don't feel so great and trying to make the best out of it and deciding to be happy and positive instead of focusing on all those other things that you want to still happen...

Peppur Chambers (plays "NEED"/"HARLEM")

I know I feel most like a woman when

I've fully tapped into my power.

Brown Bettie Gone Beautifully Bad
By Tina McDowelle

So I have a little secret that I guess isn’t going to be much of a secret anymore. But oh well, here it goes—Everyday my neighbors see me in my bathing suit around noon walking to the Jacuzzi. They say, “Wow, you really love that Jacuzzi, don’t you?” I give them a smile that covers up my inside smirk and say “oohhh yes I do.” And yes, I do love how the hot water soothes my muscles. And I just adore the hot sun opening up my pores and purging all my impurities. And I so appreciate how the bubbles tickle the sensitive skin of my underarms. But what I really adore, what I really, really appreciate---is the jet stream of water pressure as it slams against my clitoris and surges into my vagina! That is priceless! It makes every penny of my over priced rent worth it! I’m telling you in 30 seconds or less, I have the biggest, uncontrolled, explosive, spasmic orgasm! And I only have to wait 2 minutes and I can have another one. I’ve never tried for 3, I’ve always thought that would be excessive. But as I’m writing this, I’ve decided that I shouldn’t deprive myself. I must go for 3 or 4. Shoot, why not 5?! The world is abundant! There are infinite orgasms out there. Why should I limit myself to two?

In case you’re interested in how to have these orgasms in your neighborhood spa and be discreet, I will share my method that has been perfected over time. What you do is find the jet stream with the best water pressure. You then sit with your back all the way against the jet stream, Indian style, so it looks like you’re just chilling in the Jacuzzi. Then you raise your bum just enough so that you are riding the jet stream. It takes a little maneuvering to get your perfect angle. Stay patient, focused, yet open and relaxed and then Gush! The floodgates open!

One beautiful Sunday afternoon, when I thought the management office of my apartment was closed, I got a little carried away as I was riding my favorite jet stream (I have a preference for the stream on the southeast corner of the tub-great velocity.) Anyway, I let out some indescribable yelp, like a soul that has been freed from the shackles of the human body and has breathed life for the first time, or a hyena caught in a bear trap, whatever you can relate better to. Then, to my horror, the manager of the building, Mario, comes out! With concern and curiosity he yells, “You okay, I heard something weird?” To which I respond in a exasperated tone, “I’m …great…(gasp)…just enjoying this wonderful Jacuzzi.” There was an awkward pause. My heart is beating. I’m thinking--Does he know? Can he tell? Is it written all over my face? Tina, say something fast. I then make a reference to the wonderful weather, “It’s a beautiful Sunday… on this day of our Lord.” I can tell I’m in the clear. And just as I breathe a sigh of relief while Mario is now commenting on the glorious weather, my bright turquoise bikini bottoms rise to the surface of the Jacuzzi. I snatch them as quick as possible and without missing a beat continue our small talk of the beautiful California weather. To this day, I don’t know if Mario knew. He probably did. And who cares? I hope I added a little joy to his life. It’s rough when you have to work on Sundays.

Momma Said
by Vicki Rogers (Peppur's Momma)

There was a saying in our household that was passed down from Grandma Hamm to my mother and then down to my sisters and me. I’d actually call it a mantra that became ingrained into my being because I heard it so often. It was: "You can eat it fast or you can eat it slow, but when it's gone there ain't no mo'." Grandma Hamm, strong-willed and strong-boned, moved from rural Wright City, Missouri to live with relatives in Lawrence, Kansas when Grandpa went into the Army. She had seven children; worked as a housekeeper; and like everyone else, she knew hardship. For grandma and momma the bottom line was feeding their families. Momma never asked what we wanted to eat. You ate what was put on the table or you DIDN'T.

I didn’t like onions. When they were on my plate, I ate … SLOW. There was momma’s tuna casserole, tuna salad and potato salad that were full of them. It was like you had won the diced-onion lottery. I would spend what seemed like hours at the table picking diced onions out of my food before I could even eat it. I hated that crunch of the onion between my teeth, let alone the taste. How my three sisters laughed. Everyone else would be in their pajamas and I, the youngest, would still be dissecting my food one teaspoon at a time. Creamed onions, which were my mother's favorite and far too concealed in white sauce for any form of dissection, had to be swallowed whole with a Kool-Aid chaser. (I still cringe to this day.) Oddly enough, there were exceptions: fried potatoes and onions and fried liver and onions. Both were cooked so long that the onions kind of melted away or they were burnt to a crispy charcoal and were easy to detect.

Under the “Eat It Fast” category was fried chicken. My sisters say we ate a lot of my mother’s variety at home, but my favorite came from my Grandma Rogers' house on Sundays (pictured left). We'd walk to her house after Mass hungry with anticipation; maybe that had something to do with it because by both momma and Grandma Rogers (a Troy, Kansas native) were excellent at fried chicken. They always cut up their own whole chicken. The pieces were then shook in a brown paper bag with salt, pepper and flour and then fried in hot Crisco shortening with half a stick of Oleo margarine added in. We ate it all too: the backs and breast; liver and gizzard; heart and neck; and the legs and thighs. This was a meal during which you did not leave the table because after the blessing, it was every fork for themselves. Fifteen minutes later the dishes were hitting the sink.

I guess we all remember the foods we hated or loved. Today we still eat fast -- but it's usually at the drive-through. We still eat slow --but it's to avoid indigestion. However now, it's rarely NO MO' and I say, "Amen" to that!