Brown Abbey Aims To Please:

Dear Brown Abbey,

I am a 33 year old attractive female with a modest small business. I have been dating this guy for about six months now. I want to see this relationship go to the next level.…I got a phone call from a woman accusing me of sleeping with her husband. At first I was really offended and confused and I told her I didn't know who her husband was as the name she states is not familiar to me. She continues to yell and scream accusations at me and slams the phone down. When my boyfriend arrives he leans in to kiss me and I ask him, "Are you married?" The look on his face told me the truth way before his lips ever did and I was devastated. How could this be? How and why did this happen to me. I just knew he was the one and yet I was horribly mistaken.

I broke our relationship off that night, but I can't stop thinking about him. Now that the anger has worn off, I miss him terribly. A part of me wants to tell him I don't care about his marriage as long as we can be together but another part of me knows we shouldn't be together because he belongs to her. His constant calling and sending me presents and flowers and love notes is not helping.

Please help. What should I do??

Signed,

Caught in Confusion

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Dear Caught in Confusion,

First and Foremost I want to applaud you for trusting your instincts! Do you know how hard that can be for a person? So many women would have second guessed themselves and had so much fear of losing him that even though that little voice inside said, "Ask him. Ask him" they would have never said a word. Our intuition is all we have sometimes...continue to listen.

Now I know after the initial shock and anger wears off you begin to miss him. But think of it this way you received that phone call for a reason. You discovered this man was married for a reason. Did it ever occur to you that you deserve better. That you deserve someone who is all yours and totally devoted to you. Someone who loves and respects you enough to be honest and live their life with integrity.

Think about it...the fact that this man lied to you for six whole months says a lot about his character. And although you feel you love him, babygirl, who exactly are you in love with...he wasn't even man enough to tell his real name. He pretended to be someone else and that someone is who you fell in love with and makes the entire relationship a lie, because it was built upon a lie. Is that the type of foundation you want to build your life upon? Of Course not...Be strong and do not fall victim to his pleas, gifts, and love letters. This man is a con and if perhaps you did take him back and if he even left his wife...you would just wind up being her.

Also, PLEASE do not blame yourself for the actions of others, but rather think back to where there may have been signs in the past that maybe you dismissed. We all have a journey and a path we must follow. We may not always understand the meaning of this journey but we are to learn and grow from these experiences. Also, put yourself in her shoes and think about how you would feel and the pain it would cause you if your husband was dating a woman for six months behind your back. Know that you would be apart of this pain being afflicted unto this woman, your sister. You are now accountable, because you are aware of the situation.

Make a list of what you want in a partner and find out early on if this man has them…Be Direct... Ask. Most men won't just volunteer information...you are gonna have to ask. Of course, you may not find EVERYTHING you want in a partner, but he needs to possess what is most important to you. Don't waver...trust and believe that you are deserving of love.

So celebrate, my sister...celebrate that all was revealed before too much was invested (children, money, home, etc) into the relationship. Call up your girlfriends and have a girls night out...Date...do some of the things you used to do before he came along and took up your free time....start that creative endeavor that you have been putting off. (that just may boost up your biz) Remember when one door closes...another one will open. Have faith and believe that there is someone just right for you, and you only!

Love n Light

Brown Abbey
Have something to ask Brown Abbey? Email brwnbettie@yahoo.com.