Brown Bettie Knows Best
by Peppur Chambers

You, my sister, have seen the lows, you’ve rolled around in the ashes of scorched heartache ready to hang yourself with a wet rope soaked in lonely crocodile tears, and yet no one has applauded you on how well you are doing at doing something wrong. Well, because I’ve been through it too, and because everyone needs a pat on the shoulder, I salute you with these tips that will remind you whole-heartedly that you are doing everything absolutely wrong to find love. I hope these little morsels of loveless encouragement will coax you down from that painful chair of desperation, give you the strength to remove your noose and smile through your snotty haze as you nod and say, “Hey! That’s what I do!”

Ready? Let’s begin. And remember, you are not alone, my dear:

TIP 3:

Call him. A lot.

When he doesn’t call you back, be sure to call him at least twenty times a day. When he does finally answer (they always do, especially if you have annoyed them enough), make sure you are really, really mad.