Unzipped
By Cecilie Davis Carter

I’ve been told I am NICE, KIND, SWEET, UNDERSTANDING, and LOVEABLE. In tough situations I’m usually the one who remains calm and Zen-like. Most times when I’m around, there will be very little discord. In fact, one of my close friends jokingly said that I should name my first born “Harmony.” With me there is pretty much always LOVE, PEACE, and HAPPINESS...

UNLESS...

UNLESS that little Hyundai that is in the FAST lane on the 405 going 20 MPH is holding EVERYONE up…Don’t they know that I have an audition to be at in 20 minutes? (Along with everyone else in LA who is on the freeway at noon on a Monday!)

UNLESS the couple who decides to bring their 2-week old kid to the almost 3-hour 10:00PM showing of Pirates of the Caribbean, sits RIGHT BEHIND ME and of course…CRIES during the IMPORTANT PARTS! (I knew she was a newborn because after the movie I sarcastically asked mom how old her little bundle of joy was!)

UNLESS a crowded elevator can barely unload at the floor level of The Grove parking lot because the overly anxious people who have been waiting are trying to get on before any of us can GET OFF! (RUDE)

UNLESS the grotesquely hairy, sweaty man who has on shorts that are way too little and is riding the stationary bike right in front of me in the crowded 24-hour Fitness spinning class KEEPS PASSING GAS! That is so NASTY.

UNLESS the gross no-manners-having girl who was in the bathroom stall before me decides to drop her used Maxi pad (that has NOT been folded up or wrapped up in toilet paper) on the floor….AND LEAVES IT THERE! Does she not know what that little box is for that is conveniently located right next to the toilet? (She probably didn’t wash her hand either!)

UNLESS that really skinny girlfriend we all have with the perfect body complains that she has to go on a diet because she’s FAT, but she only says it so you will tell her that she’s perfect, and doesn’t need to change a thing!

UNLESS the FINE guy who can pull any girl on his looks alone, and who just so happens to be a “close talker” opens up his mouth and has SERIOUS HALITOSIS… (That’s not ok.)
Unless you are an offender of the above, you will always get the nice, sweet, kind, loveable ME. However, if you are guilty of any of these annoying idiosyncrasies, you will see me UNZIPPED!