Monday, February 16, 2009

Brown Bettie Knows Best

You, my sister, have seen the lows, you’ve rolled around in the ashes of scorched heartache ready to hang yourself with a wet rope soaked in lonely crocodile tears, and yet no one has applauded you on how well you are doing at doing something wrong. Well, because I’ve been through it too, and because everyone needs a pat on the shoulder, I salute you with these tips that will remind you whole-heartedly that you are doing everything absolutely wrong to find love. I hope these little morsels of loveless encouragement will coax you down from that painful chair of desperation, give you the strength to remove your noose and smile through your snotty haze as you nod and say, “Hey! That’s what I do!”

Ready? Let’s begin. And remember, you are not alone, my dear:

In your jovial effort to seem cute, bubbly and the life of the party, always make sure you are the last one at the party. Inadvertently, you will appear available yet desperate. The louder you laugh and the more men you talk to will make you seem more and more like you have nothing to go home to. As a result, you will attract all the single alien goons at the soiree much like rabid mice to a glue trap.

Bonus: If you find yourself at home feeling sorry for yourself because the goons liked you and not the cute guy you were trying to impress -- and you’re now sobbing uncontrollably while polishing off a crappy bottle of screw-top Merlot you bought at the 24-hour grocery store and watching reruns of I Love Lucy at 3am, give yourself 100 Brown Bettie points! (Keep track of your points!)

~Many Love-less Returns,
The Hot One

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