Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Brown Bettie Knows Best
by Peppur Chambers

You, my sister, have seen the lows, you’ve rolled around in the ashes of scorched heartache ready to hang yourself with a wet rope soaked in lonely crocodile tears, and yet no one has applauded you on how well you are doing at doing something wrong. Well, because I’ve been through it too, and because everyone needs a pat on the shoulder, I salute you with these tips that will remind you whole-heartedly that you are doing everything absolutely wrong to find love. I hope these little morsels of loveless encouragement will coax you down from that painful chair of desperation, give you the strength to remove your noose and smile through your snotty haze as you nod and say, “Hey! That’s what I do!”

Ready? Let’s begin. And remember, you are not alone, my dear:

Since you’ve already decided you don’t like good guys, and have made it a point to spend a lot of time chasing a guy that doesn’t want you, now it should be perfectly OK to really take control of things…that is, if you haven’t already. One way would be to crawl on the hood of his car in the middle of the night and scrawl this love letter on his windshield in MAC lipstick and/or drink a fifth of Jose’ Cuervo and shout these words out front of his apartment:

Bad Boy
Come and play with me
Bad Boy
Show me your bad toys
Bad Boy
You’re no good for me
Bad Boy

Let me show you how bad I can be

Wrong Advice. Take it or leave it:
If you’ve already come undone from being unzipped by your Joe in your non-relationship relationships (NRR’s), now may be a good time to invest in the notion that you can learn to be happy by yourself.

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